Facts about me.

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I really have always loved doing this. Welcome to my blog, and enjoy these facts about me that I feel hold a lot of importance. I mean, if I don’t feel that, who else will?

  • I am Ivorian but am racially mixed: I have Ivorian, French and Moroccan blood flowing in my veins.
  • I am a polyglot in progress. I fluently speak French and English and little Spanish and Italian.
  • I cannot speak my native tongue and I unabashedly blame it on my parents for never speaking it with me from a younger age, and have waited until now to remind me of how ‘lost’ I am.
  • I legit have two left feet, which is funny since I am left-handed.
  • I have six siblings; three of them are racially mixed and three are purely Ivorian. I am also the only child of my mother and father–so technically, I have only half siblings.
  • I was born on the 29th of January and way too tall for my age.
  • Speaking of which, I am 5ft8 which makes it very hard to find guys taller than me, to be honest and also very hard for me to wear heels without feeling like AndrĂ© the Giant.
  • I love literature with a passion. I am a proud bookworm who shuts the world off simply to spend hours hunched over my phone/computer/book to read.
  • If I see a surface and have a pen/pencil/marker in my hand, mind you, I will write on it. I write EVERYWHERE.
  • If I could, I would wear black for the rest of my life.
  • My favourite colours are blue and yellow.
  • I find pastel colours, suburban neighbourhoods and the rain aesthetically pleasing.
  • I love indie music and movies.
  • Rain.
  • Winter is my favourite season.
  • I am a potentially fast writer. I can type up to 2000 words in 5 hours.
  • I have 3c/4a hair. My hair is extremely thick and curly, and while it is pretty to look at and touch, taking care of it is not the most interesting job.
  • I love tigers and would love to have one as a pet.
  • I dip my bread in my milk/chocolate drink AND pour milk before cereal.
  • I am lactose intolerant but still take dairy products.
  • I cannot drink cold beverages and beverages without bread/cereal except black coffee.
  • I hate tea but drink green tea only because it is good for my skin.
  • I hate apples.
  • I have a fear of reptiles and amphibians.
  • The violin is my favourite instrument.
  • Baking is everything I do.
  • I have social anxiety which makes it difficult to socialize with people like the average person should. I’m even shy around my parents.
  • I love oversized sweaters.
  • Spain is my dream country.
  • Turtlenecks are underappreciated.
  • I have written three completed novels and have yet to find the courage to let anyone read them.
  • I have hay fever which gives me a runny nose, itchy eyes and migraines.
  • I relate to colours really well and usually am able to tell the mood of people by associating them to colours.
  • I am extremely ticklish and sensitive everywhere, especially my neck, hair and the back of forearm.
  • I don’t relate with the whole “avoiding eye contact when talking to someone you like” because I avoid eye contact when talking to anyone.
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Why the idea of marriage sounded a little off to me.

Hello comrades! How are you? I know I should start this with a groundbreaking intro and all but honestly it’s 11 am and I am currently munching on bread so… let’s get into it!

Before I even proceed, no I am not that person who believes that the single life is the best, nor am I against the idea of love. I love love, I cherish it with an unrequited passion so once again, I am not here to rant about the pros of singleness.

I am here to basically talk about that one time I thought about not getting married to Le One.

Yes, there was a time (I used to look into my father’s eyes)– I’m sorry, that was a song reference; I do that a lot. But anyway, once upon a time I sat down and thought of the possibility of not wearing a ring ever, of not having a grand or even small wedding and even ditching the whole process at the City Hall. I simply wanted to spend the rest of my life with whoever was meant to stick with me without having to be labelled by anyone. I didn’t want a ring or a wedding or signatures to prove that I belonged to someone, and that I was serious about fully committing to him.

I mean, what guarantee do these strenuous processes give me?

Why was it so important to get married? Do marriages guarantee a long life with your partner with no worries and infinite showers of prosperity, love, affection and all those shenanigans people fight so hard to get? I mean why are people making such a big fuss about it?

And the most ironic part? Divorce rate in countries keep getting higher and higher. So yeah, marriage definitely sounds like a great shot to score, yeah?

No.

To me, marriage is like a haunted house where guests fill in and slowly begin to uncover the nasty, scary secrets that surround it. You know in those scary movies? The people get drawn to the house and they all end up dying and the lone survivor gets scarred for life? Again, this is strictly my opinion–other people may like to disagree–so I am basically thinking out loud because thinking is something I do a lot.

Before I go deeper into it, I would like to define marriage according to the Oxford Concise English dictionary. It says that marriage is: “The legal union of a man and a woman in order to live together and often to have children.”

Well that sounds deep, doesn’t it?

It is first of all a legal union, which means that it is based on the law of the country, yes? And it says again that it is done in order for the couple to live together and often have children. Now while this sounds educative and all, it causes another thought chain to happen in my head.

Why do we need marriage to be able to live together? I mean, I know of couples who live together, are not married, and last way longer than the married ones. So I guess it is safe to overrule that point, right?

But then it spoke about legality, and that is something that cannot be overruled so easily.

I am a child of God, like all of us are–can I get an amen?–and despite my stubbornness and how little I listen to My Father, I know how obedience can go a long way. Basically, what He says is what I do; or try to do without whining and throwing mini tantrums. So basically He established marriage.

See why I said I was stubborn?

By bringing Eve to Adam, God instituted marriage and He didn’t do it for nothing, obviously. And so despite my rant, believe me when I say that I do know the importance of marriage, especially since I call myself His daughter. Stubborn, yes, but His daughter nevertheless.

We all know the exchange that happens when two people get married, right? One takes the surname of the other and they exchange rings and then there are vows made and tears flow and then the signing issues. I believe it is very important and should be done (not the crying but, you know…)

So you might be wondering what I am driving at, right? Well here is when I tell you that I am not against the idea of marriage, but rather the formality of it.

Formality is the observance of etiquette. Etiquette is a code of behaviour, and that ticks me off. Yes, I am admitting to not wanting to get formally married because of the way marriage is regarded nowadays. It’s like a rule, a must, an obligation that comes with its rules and regulations. Suddenly, when I hear marriage, I can imagine my family and in-laws and strangers fixing their binoculars to have a better view of my life with my husband. Believe me, that statement could be viewed hypothetically or literally.

Why do I need to be counselled on how to be a married woman? Why do I need a wedding filled with people who would eventually have no say in my marital life? I mean, I know that I would not be involving anyone in my marital because, like, Adam and Eve really only had themselves and God during their lives together.

Nevertheless, I am not excluding my parents because they are representatives of Abba in my life, so technically Abba assigned them the role of taking care of me on earth and so I will respect them wholeheartedly by introducing my future husband to them so that in any case I go MIA he’d be the first one to be interrogated.

So with that aside, I am moving on with more reasons why I think the formality placed on marriage is literally turning me off.

I feel like there’s an invisible tag being placed on me and Le One when I hear people talk about marriage. Or like invisible shackles being placed on us before we even make it out of the alter. I’ve seen movies and read books where the ending ends with a wedding and everyone is happy.

I am yet to watch or read the aftermaths of it.

Marriage has people talking about becoming entirely different from who they were before. I mean, where’s the authenticity?

Why wait for marriage before becoming a better cook, listener, cleaner or whatever? Why bring all those unfinished business into the marriage when you could have got them at least half way done while you were unmarried. I mean, why do people make marriage to be an institution that teaches couples what they could have known long before?

Why make marriage change individuals?

I see people complaining about how their S/O doesn’t cook or wash or does this or does that. I mean you were okay with eating takeouts with them before, right? You were okay with going to a laundry service with them before right? So why complain now?

 

So what exactly is my point?

My point is that at that moment, when I was sitting there pensive, I realised that marriage was not really necessary to make a couple grow stronger because all it does is bring pressure upon them. Pressure to be this, pressure to be that… doing this like that and doing that like this. If I’m supposed to get married, let me get married in peace without any etiquette or 101’s. Unless there is a striking difference between couples before and after marriage, I do not want to crack my brain with the stress that comes with bearing someone’s name.

 

That sneaky gripping anxiety.

Close your eyes, take a deep breath, and imagine yourself driving alone at night on a deserted road with no reception, a broken radio and no headlights. Or imagine being the new student and watch everyone casting glances at you and examining your every move while you’re all alone at the back of the class, watching interaction happening around you. Can you relate? Does it sound like something that can happen to you? Well this, this is what I go through every single day.

I am not looking for sympathy or pity–no, far from that. I simply want to share an aspect of my life that I feel can speak to someone. I am 17 years old, and by now, I wish I could say that I have had my first kiss, and many others; that I have been to a good amount of social gatherings and have made a handful of friends and that I am pretty popular in school, have dated at least two boys and have gotten drunk once. But no, none of that ever happened to me.

I have never had a real kiss, have always been third wheeling in social gatherings or have had my nose in a book to avoid interactions, have been an average student and dated only once (and even then, I wouldn’t call that dating).

The reason is not because I have never gotten the chance to speak or whatever, no; it is simply because I never knew how. Again, my upbringing has nothing to do with it; my parents are extroverted, my siblings and friends easily make new friends and have never been labelled as shy. So no, this has nothing to do with my environment. It has rather to do with something within me, something that blocks my mind and doesn’t allow me to be expressive without feeling like everyone is judging me.

Yes, judgement happens everyday. There are people who purposely strive to agree to disagree with almost everyone. But when it comes to me, I see judgement before it even comes–whether or not it does come–and draw conclusions backed up by nothing but my subconscious and woven theories created to give me more reasons to avoid people. I see it before I even open my mouth, associate it with being cautious and mindful of my words, and end up closing it.

The anxiety that grips me gets even more complicated because of how my mind works. I am an introvert, I do not speak but rather think. I think too much; I think in the bathroom, my bed, the kitchen… the entire house. I think when I cook, when I drink water, when I listen to music, when I write…. Yes, thinking is normal, but it starts to border on overthinking when it completely shortens my attention span in regards to the outside world. It makes me pay more attention to what I believe and blocks out what others think. A person can give me a compliment but until my mind agrees with it, I will continue to wave off the compliment and call it sarcastic because, really, how can I be complimented?

The thinking fuels the anxiety and makes me focus on the negative aspect of things instead of the positive ones. Just like driving at night would fuel fear and make you disregard the possibility of arriving home safely.

It also makes me read different meanings into words and actions until I find a reason to avoid a person.

For example, when you send a message to a person and said person doesn’t instantly reply, you would possibly wonder why the person isn’t responding for a few seconds and then move on to something else. But for me, it is completely different. If I send a message and the person doesn’t reply, I will instantly think that the person doesn’t want to speak to me or even hates me. I will begin to read into the lack of response from the person, dismissing possible reasonable reasons for the lack of response, and drive at conclusions that would make me avoid the person completely. This has caused me to avoid interacting with even my friends.

Anxiety also will ruin your relationships.

Like I mentioned above, I have dated only once. The relationship ended because of me and not because of arguments or suspicions or whatever it is that causes break ups. It ended because I didn’t want to be dumped. Yes, that is why I broke off the relationship so people wouldn’t read too much into my actions and question me because if he had broken up with me, I would have a lot of people being genuinely concerned about me and would want to snoop into my life to see how I would deal with it. That was also why I told no one about my relationship, simply because I didn’t people to find a reason to speak to me.

I won’t dwell too much into my former and first relationship, but all I have to say is that the anxiety made me think too much and kept me on my toes, which I hated. It is really ironic how anxiety makes you aware of its existence only for you to chase others away expect it. It made me feel like I wasn’t worth dating and that my ex would easily get tired of me, so I did the only thing I could do to be rid of the doubts and move on with my life; I ended the thing that seemed to be “toxic” at that time for me.

And that is what anxiety does.

It makes you cut off things that could either help you move forward or transgress until the only thing left for you to hold on to is it. That is why I sometimes feel prided whenever I think of the anxiety.

“I have social anxiety and it feels amazing.”

Anxiety leaves you void of feelings.

Those who know me will testify to the fact that I am extremely calm in every kind of situation. It is the type of unsettling calm that makes people think of you as a rigid and heartless person.

I do not apologize when I do something wrong and refuse to let people apologize to me because it adds to the many reasons why avoiding people is the best. I also do not argue, debate or even fight back. I will only look at you and either stay silent or say “Okay” and then move on without you. This is because I want to prove to you just how insignificant you are in my life, and that with or without you, I can function perfectly.

And then I go and depend on myself, burdening myself with useless loads and thoughts. I bottle all my unspoken words and actions in the back of my head and later on wonder why I always get migraines. I only speak when someone speaks to me and never the other way round because I don’t want anyone to think I depend on them and then leave me when I need them.

If you do not know me, you would think I am kind, always smiling and shy. But no, I am not shy; believe me, if I could speak, I would never stop. I only keep quiet because I prefer to entertain my thoughts rather than appreciate the company of others. I rely on music, reading and writing more than I do people. I listen more than I speak because I can’t handle attention and the possibility of people getting bored of me.

I give more times than I take and think that I am perfectly okay with it.

But if I ever make an effort to step out of my comfort zone to converse with you or get your attention every once in a while, it means that I know the impact you have in my life. If I tell you things, they are genuine and raw because they come from my mind which houses so many unspoken thoughts that were blocked by anxiety. If I show feelings to you it means I have broken past the paralyzing door that is anxiety, and have given you a role that is probably to great to handle because of how many times I failed to open to other people.

And so the cycle will repeat itself again…